You asked, so here they are: Below is a list of the calculations that I use as a guide to life in general. They work, so ‘them’s the rules’. Enjoy!
Rule #1: (AKA: the shit and shinola rule). The one rule you can never afford to not remember: Always know the difference between shit and shinola. Both of them will shine your shoes, but one of them is shit.
Rule #2: (AKA; The Banana Peel Rule) this rule can be exemplified in many ways, and it is: It’s not over ‘till the fat lady sings, etc. This is the example that I use: As is the case with most of the rules of human life, the banana peel is based on a catastrophic calamity that befalls a person, just before they succeed; like hitting the winning home run, or finishing the big project, or closing the big deal, or finishing the formula that will win you the Nobel Prize, or finally walking up to the girl (or guy) that you can’t get out of your head and asking them out. Anything at all that is considered to be a success or an accomplishment; big or small, has a banana peel.
The narrative is as follows: “Among the plethora of qualities that abound in a human being, the most impacting one is our ability to think. Thinking includes paying attention. Thinking also requires an expenditure of energy. Both of these are things that most of us would rather not do if given the choice. Most of us would rather find a shortcut, a cheat sheet, an advantage, a secret passage, an enchanted potion or even a magic pill that will allow for us to not have to think or expend energy, even though we know they don’t exist. This is not an inherent human quality, it is a LEARNED behavior.
For example: Imagine yourself running a race. A competitive foot race, let’s say a thousand meter race. The race itself could represent anything; a job, an idea, a challenge, a problem, life. The starter pistol goes off and you fly into the lead, running like no one has ever run. You are a human gazelle and suddenly you have a one, two, three, five and finally a ten-man lead over the rest of the competition. You are so far ahead that the crowd is in frenzy and your head swims with the thought of the adoration, adulation, fame and fortune that will be heaped upon your feet when you are named as the winner. Suddenly, there it is. You can see it; the finish line. The long tape stretched across the track receives only one of the competitors in its warm embrace. It’s so close that you can smell it and you believe you can actually feel its proximity. You risk a quick look back and the guy who will end up in second place is so far behind you that it is ridiculous. You look at the finish line again and you could swear it was just a few inches away and then at that moment, we screw the pooch. We feel and believe that we already won and this learned behavior kicks in and sends a signal to your conscious rational cognitive thinking mechanism that convinces you that you already won. You ego tells you: That’s it, nobody can catch you now. You are the king, the winner, numero uno, the top dog – and immediately after you believe it, a mere two feet from the tape, and you stop trying. You figure that the inertia alone will carry you across the finish line well before anyone else catches up and you BELIEVE that you are unstoppable and that certain victory is yours and as a result; you stop thinking and stop paying attention and stop running the race and you start to celebrate! Right there, at that moment; 14 inches before hitting the tape and actually winning, that’s when you slip on the banana peel that is always laying on the track – because you weren’t paying attention – and you slip on it, fall down and bust your ass. You fall so hard that you can’t get up. You may even have a fracture of the hip or the coccyx. You agonize in pain but you can’t get up because your busted your ass when you fell. You try to crawl and begin to sob, thinking you can drag your way across the finish line before anyone else gets near, but you are in too much pain. A slip and bust-your-ass fall on a banana peel during a full-on sprint at the end of a 1000 meter race will bust your ass for real. Suddenly, one, then two, then all of the other runners cross the finish line. The guy that you were laughing at only minutes before because he was going to end up in second place WON, and the adoration, adulation, triumph and celebrity that were supposed to be yours are taken away just like that.
As you are being carried away in a stretcher to an ambulance, never having actually crossed the finish line at all, you scream in a fit or pure anger at the sky and complain to whoever it is that you pray to. You complain and say “It’s not fair!” Not fair? What is fair? As the saying goes; it’s not over ‘till it’s over or it’s not over ‘till the fat lady sings, the moral is the same. There’s no excuse for taking your eye off the ball while it’s in play or for slacking off because you believe it’s a “sure thing”. The moment that you do, I promise you; that banana peel will be there, waiting for you. What a person starts, they must finish. Mediocrity is not a human genetic trait. Now you know, and because you know, you don’t have to slip on the banana peel. Life is a 24 hour, 7 day per week job. Nobody gets time off from life, nobody gets a break and we should never need to feel like we need a break from life. None of us should ever forget about the banana peel, every day, our lives depend on paying attention to what we’re doing, and if you don’t , the banana peel will still be there and you will slip on it and bust your ass. Remember to step OVER the banana peel when you see it.
Rule #3: The RIGHT thing to do almost never the BEST thing to do.
Rule #4: The movements rule: “In all of human history, the only Movement that ever actually accomplished anything is the BOWEL MOVEMENT. Don’t become part of a movement.
Rule #5: (The human fickleness algorithm). The difference between a reason and an excuse can usually be determined by a person’s mood.
Rule #6: You can have anything in this universe that you desire…just not right now.
Rule #7: Never waste an opportunity, any opportunity – you never know when you might get hit by a bus.
Rule #8: Nobody in this world, nobody, DESERVES anything. We must WORK for what we have and EARN it. We all know this.
Rule #9: It’s not the count of how many things we do that matters, what counts is how many of those things that we do, matter.
Rule #10: In the whole wide world, nothing is any more or less important than any other thing.
Bonus Rule: I didn’t write this one, a Franciscan Monk did almost 600 years ago. Occam’s Razor is a must for every person: entia non sunt multiplicanda praeter necessitate The most practical translation for this is: Don’t complicate anything more than what is necessary.